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Deportation - Fear and Humiliation
We were given two pails, one empty and one full of water. We did not know the intended use of the empty pail. After the train started moving and the water spilled, we poured from the water bucket into the empty bucket. Several hours later, having no alternative, men urinated through the slats of the cattle car. The resistance of the wind from the movement of the train caused the urine to blow back onto me and others who attempted to relieve themselves in this manner.
At first people drank liberally in the hot and uncertain conditions of the closed car. I remember that when refilling empty juice or milk bottles with water, mothers were asked to limit their babies’ consumption. Instinctively the mothers would try to take more than was needed for the moment. Under the best of conditions small children are always thirsty These condi–tions only increased their thirst.
Within several hours we emptied the second pail of water back into the diminished first pail. This provided a solution for the women, children, and elderly who could not use the slats on the side of the cattle car. Women formed a circle around those using the pail, shielding them to protect their dignity.
The first crucial decision in this abyss we had entered was made with–out the benefit of previous experience. During these three days the train stopped two or three times for water. Wehrmacht guards shouted that we should empty the pails and refill the water buckets.
While at the water pump, the men learned that people on the other cars had made a hole in the floor to be used as an alternative to the pail. They urged everyone to do the same, This resulted in our having the use of two pails for water. They had a choice to make. Should we fill both buckets with water or take the time to clean one properly? A man had to decide in a split second for everyone on the train whether to have two unclean buckets of water or have only one dirty bucket of water and take the time to clean the other hoping there would be time enough to fill it.
If the decision was made to fill only one pail and scrub the other per–haps there would be no time to fill this bucket with water. If they filled the bucket without cleaning it they would have one clean and one tainted bucket of water. They in fact cleaned the second bucket and had time to refill it.
At the next stop, the pails would not have been used for human waste and therefore we would have a second pail of cleaner water. The acumen of these men resulted in the survival, to the train’s destination, of all the people on board.
When the hole was carved we had a solution to one problem but cre–ated another. The noise of the cold wind blowing into the train was har–rowing. We put the pail on top of the hole, only partially solving the prob–lem, for it was not airtight.
There were discussions among the Orthodox men regarding the reli–gious practice of washing one’s hands before putting on tallicim and tefillin. Another decision had to be made, whether to use the scarce water for this purpose or to disregard the law and save the water for drinking.
In the train, people tried in vain to lie down and make themselves com–fortable on the floor, Those who had no place to lie waited until someone got up and then took his or her place. By the second day, conditions were worse; human waste was left exposed, people vomited, the odour was nau–seating. Some fainted and cried bitterly, a few prayed in silence, hoping for a miracle. For the elderly and the restless young, these conditions were extremely difficult.
We were constantly talking about where we were going and what they were going to do with us. It was difficult to tell the time of day and impos–sible to tell where we were.The interminable motion of the train rocking on the tracks put me to sleep. Many welcomed sleep over the wakeful state of hunger, fear, anxiety and the discomfort of crowding and confinement.
We made what little food that we had last for the two nights and three days that we had been told we would be on the train.We knew that some–thing was wrong, that we were not being told the truth about where we were being taken. They promised us that we would be kept together and would work.
There were enough men on the train for a minyan. Normally, a man took his tallit and tefillin bag when going out of town. The Germans told us to take the most precious things on the train–and tallit and tefillin were often passed down from generation to generation. They were precious articles because of who they came from and because they were necessary for prayer. The first time a boy put on tefillin marked his transition to manhood. I prayed because my father told me to join the minyan. I prayed because they requested that I pray I prayed because I was obligated.
I felt the same fear as everyone on the train“the fear of death. People often turn to religion when they are scared–scared to die. Tefilah was said throughout the day because there was nothing else to do–extra prayers for their fate–I do not know. There was little need to measure time. Time was losing meaning but, on the other hand, it was virtually all we had. I did not think about the past–there was nothing to think about. My past life was not so pleasant that I thought about it. There was nothing that stood out to think about. There was nothing that I missed about my past days. The promise of working and being together seemed more unlikely as time went on.Without a gratifying past and the doubt of a promising future, I began to feel desperate.
This cattle car used in deportations is now in Yad Vashem, Heroes and Martyrs Memorial Authority, Jerusalem, Israel and memorializes deportations of Jews from across Europe to killing centres. Yad Vashem is “literally a monument and a name,” from Isaiah 56:5. The Israeli institution was established by an act of the Israeli Parliament on 19 August 1953. It is mandated to gather into the homeland material regarding all those members of the Jewish people who laid down their lives, who fought and rebelled against the Nazi enemy and their collaborators, and to perpetuate their memory and that of the com–munities, organizations, and institu–tions that were destroyed because they were Jewish. (Photo: Naomi Kramer)